Into the void we go

The void

I’m not really sure why I’m writing here or for who I’m typing to. Maybe you are a weird person that randomly entered my website and decided to read this, maybe I’ve interacted with you and went into my website and decided to read this, maybe you thought it was my portfolio and now I’m flaming myself. Who knows.

Point is, there is no point. I was here, sitting at my chair, looking at my monitors and expensive computers and sighing to myself “well whatever, I feel empty” putting my head against the table I start to think of what exactly I’m doing, why I got depressed over… idk? nothing? something? I feel like I’m sinking into a void.

Now I’m here, writing this, maybe this is a post, maybe it’s not, maybe you are reading this feeling sad, maybe you are speedrunning this post to get to a point where you will get something from it, there is no point, there is no lesson and you may even get sadder by reading until the end, cause I just don’t know the end yet, I’m not there myself.

A funny thing I thought about now is that I actually made the title before writing anything, with my head against the table this single phrase came to mind, “into the void we go”. It sounds dumb asf but idk, I just thought I should write it down.
I got my head up, opened obsidian, command + o and wrote it. I just thought that it had to be done. Out of all the things that I couldn’t push myself to do today, this one just clicked, I started doing like it was the most normal thing I should do when I’m sad. Write.

(Slowly) Climbing

While writing the first paragraph I thought that maybe venting all this shit would make me feel a little better, I think it’s working. I’m still not really sure what I’m going through, if anything, i just feel that my mind is not in the right state, I just stopped seeing a point in things, like there is no purpose for trying, I can’t make it, I won’t make it, I don’t know what I’m doing, Idk what I’m not doing. fuck.

In the end I think I had several different emotions writing this, my head hurts,I feel like collapsing but I’m still trying to finish this text. This whole shit writing makes me feel better for some reason, I still feel bad but now I want to go eat something and not crawl to my bed and cry until I sleep.

Getting it together

Hi, if you made it here, you are probably me from the future, seeking advice from your past self cause you remember feeling better after writing this, but you don’t want to go write again cause “a single depressing text is enough”. I know that you thought that, I’m you after all. If you are here you are probably sad and seeking that precious feeling that enables you to give your best, despite the odds, maybe you will find it here, maybe not.

What I can say is: go take a shower, eat something and put the builder hat, you may be a dumb fucking idiot, you may be and epileptic stupid dumb fuck… But you somehow made it to where you are by yourself. You pushed through, you escaped the void every single time and no matter how many times you fall, you can escape again. You always did, I always did, and I’m doing it now.

Ending note

honestly, this is probably cringe. If somehow the person reading this is not me, I hope you got something out of this.

(Now I’m interested if someone would read it, I need to stop having expectations. I’m gonna eat something, bye)

Gets up and goes to the kitchen

Post eating update:

Reading all this now it’s more a bad artistic writing than anything else. A shit way to have a peek inside my head hyouka style (see the anime). Will cleanup the text and decide if I should post it or not.

Thinking about it I think from all the things I get sad that is a particular one that can stand out sometimes, the famous “impostor syndrome”. But this may be a post for other time.